When you pay $250 a person for a seat, you best believe that every course is going to be scrutinized like an episode of Lost. Expectations couldn’t have been higher, and both the food and service delivered in every way possible. Unlike some elaborate tasting menus, this nine course feast isn’t an exercise in how far your belly can expand, it’s more of an adventurous road trip for your taste buds to experience. There’s no better tour guide than Thomas Keller, who proves why the New York Times declared French Laundry as, “the most exciting restaurant in America.”

Until you actually step foot inside and see how small it is (15-20 tables, max), it’s hard to comprehend how The Laundry can possibly be the hardest reservation to get in North America. Are there really that many people in Yountville, CA desperate to unload their piggy banks on any given night? To secure a table, you have to call exactly two months ahead of time, right when they open, and only then do you stand a fraction of a chance of getting through. It’s like trying to be the 100th caller when Z100 is giving away Lady GaGa tickets.

My one complaint is the fact that the setting of the restaurant doesn’t reflect it’s geographic location at all. You’re dining in one of the most beautiful places in the world, at one of the finest culinary establishments in the world and if you didn’t know any better you could be eating in a basement in Kansas City. The dining room is as plain and stuffy as they come, especially downstairs where we sat. At least upstairs, you might get an open window with a view. With the exception of a small outdoor area by the entrance (which isn’t exactly conducive to hanging out) and an alleged garden across the street, that’s all you get as far as lush, green grounds. We may have deducted a few points for decor, but as far as food goes, this was by far, one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten.

Food Rundown:

Oysters and Pearls
Are you kidding? No, seriously? Are you f*cking kidding? Food porn to the max right here, and this dish takes the form of Sasha Gray. If the goal here was to pique my interest, consider me aroused. Their famous “Oysters and Pearls” creation is possibly the tastiest thing my mouth has ever come in contact with. A sabayon of pearl tapioca with Island Creek oysters and white sturgeon caviar. Delicious.

Roasted Hawaiian Hearts Of Palm
Such a small plate of food, but so much going on. Small chunks of a South American Gros Michel banana, combined with small pieces of roasted palm, cashews, Belgian endive relish, cilantro and banyuls- curry gastrique. Sounds like a lot, but I promise you it all works. I finished this in about three bites – granted, the entire content of this dish could fit in a tablespoon, so really no big feat there.

Grilled Fillet Of Gulf Coast Cobia
What looks like a light piece of white fish is actually a hearty, steak-like piece of Cobia, bursting with flavors thanks to morel mushrooms, green asparagus, demi-sec tomatoes, arugula and caper vinaigrette.

Sashimi Of Japanese Bluefin Tuna
While not the crowd favorite, due to the fishiness of the Hokkaido Coast sea urchin and Tomales Bay clams that accompanied the tuna, the fish lovers at the table (like myself) approved. The actual slices of tuna tasted like butter.

Sweet Butter-Poached Maine Lobster Tail – aka “Peas and Carrots”
I’ve eaten a lot of lobster tails in my day, and this was indeed the finest. Check the Twitpic and try and tell me you don’t need a bib for all that projectile drool escaping your mouth and rolling down your chin. Sweet, savory lobster coated in an intoxicating butter sauce with English peas and Nantes carrots. Awesome.

Liberty Valley Farms Pekin Duck
This dish made us want to club Thomas Keller over the head, toss him into our trunk, move to Liberty Valley (wherever that might be), and hunt duck for the rest of our lives. That’s how good this was. Enough said.

Elysian Fields Farm Lamb Rib-Eye
A re-occurring staple on the menu, this ribeye of lamb was perfectly cooked; pink in the middle and dark around the edges. Rich flavors from pole bean cassoulet, jingle bell peppers, parsley and sauce gremolata caused a serious party in my mouth.

Dessert
By the time dessert rolled around, we were so high on food, they could have thrown a Duncan Hines cupcake in front of us and we wouldn’t have known the difference. We sampled the pre-dessert course, a Royal Blenheim Apricot Sorbet as well as both dessert options of the night: Cremeux Aux Fruits De La Passion (Silverado Trail strawberries, pistachio “pain de gêne,”and white chocolate sorbet and Pane Di Ricotta Alla Griglia (delta blue blueberries, pine nut nougatine, “limone cagliata” and buttermilk sherbet. Food high aside, they were all phenomenal.

At Le Relais de Venise, there is only one thing on the menu. It’s a three course meal that costs $24 and consists of the following: salad, steak, and frites. Loyalists maintain that this is a fantastic deal for a really good steak – and waitresses in French maid outfits seem to always get a mention. In reality, this is mediocre steak smothered in “secret” sauce to compensate for the fact that it’s tough and chewy. Kind of like what McDonald’s does with the McRib. If you ask us, we’d rather spend $22.50 on the Steak au Poive and frites at Les Halles – better price, better steak, better fries.

Food Rundown:

Steak Dinner
This begins with a salad topped with walnuts and a mustard vinaigrette. Not bad at all, but let’s not throw points on the board for a pile of greens. Fries come out hot, and are crispy, salty and good. The steak is served sliced and covered in a secret brown sauce. It’s definitely not the worst meal you’ll ever eat, but like we said…you can do better for the money.

Food Rundown:

French Onion Soup
The best part of the menu here are the appetizers, and really the only reason Cafe Lux didn’t get slapped with a Wasting Your Time and Money tag. A well executed soup, albeit on the small side. Sweet, warm and tasty.

Country Salad
Aside from the little cup of French onion soup, this was the best thing I ate all night. The combination of poached egg, bacon and frisee with a nice thick bacon vinaigrette dressing will do it for me every time.

Luxemburger
We heard raves about this guy from the Infatuation faithful, but we couldn’t figure out why. A very standard restaurant burger, served on a bun that was a bit too thick, lettuce, tomato and fries. It was so undercooked we had to send it back, and that’s saying a lit considering we like our cows bleeding.

Tuna Burger
Very similar to the stellar one served at Cafe Cluny, this is one sandwich Cafe Lux does right.

Pan Roasted Chicken
Numbingly average is how I’d describe this attempt at roast chicken. It lacks any kind of crispiness and overall was pretty sloppy.

Pan Roasted Halibut
Wow, talk about a huge bust. This thirty dollar entree, which our waitress pitched us as one of their specialties, was a total mess. A stinky piece of fish atop a soggy bed of “thai style pickled vegetables” aka cole slaw doused in a lemon vinaigrette. Avoid.

NY Strip Steak Frites
A small, eight ounce Creekstone Farms dry aged cut of beef that was actually cooked just right, served up with some average shoe string fries. The meat was tasty, but every steak frites I eat pales in comparison to Raoul’s .

Cafe Gitane is the epitome of the “it” downtown cafe – a quintessential Nolita eatery and place to See and Be Seen that so many places try (and fail) to replicate. The food is actually prettty good. Dinner can be underwhelming, but brunch is indeed chronic, and the prices aren’t as bad as you might expect. But Cafe Gitane isn’t for everyone. The place is tiny, and staring down a bunch of really hot people while you cram your fat ass into a little chair isn’t always awesome. You are also pretty much guaranteed to face long waits, but during the summer it’s a great Warm Weather Dining destination, and can be worth hanging around for a table on the street or near one of the big windows. Especially if you’re looking to drink some coffee and watch the action go by.

Food Rundown:

Baked Eggs
Served with basil, tomato and cream, it’s the tangy tomato sauce that makes this dish. The eggs get nice and crisp on the outside edges and absorb the sauce and flavor in the middle. It’s a must to get some crusty bread for dunkage.

Orange Blossom Waffle
Orange blossom waffle? What? Don’t worry about it. Just order it. Topped with bananas, blueberries and strawberries, this big circular waffle looks like it came out of the same waffle maker you got off your wedding registry. You’re welcome.

Granola with Raisins, Cashews, Fresh Fruit and Yogurt
I admit there is nothing unique or original about this dish. You can find it on pretty much every brunch menu in town, but Cafe Gitane does good work with the basics.

Arugula, Beets, Apple, Olives & Walnuts Salad
Every restaurant in NYC has some play on this salad, and this one is head and shoulders above the competition. Everything about it is on point, from the fresh ingredients to the portion size. If you’re going salad, get this one.

Baked Feta
Served with capers, thyme, olives and tomatoes, this is one of the better “petit plats” on the menu. This part of the menu is straightforward; what you see is what you get. Brie & Apple? A couple slices of cheese, a couple slices of apple. The plats are a great way to start the meal or snack on while enjoying a coffee, just don’t expect to have your mind blown.

Avacado on Seven Grain Toast
Another “plat” (i really like writing that) not to miss. An excellent dish to share, this toast is topped with avocado, lemon juice, olive oil and chili flakes. Excellent.

Moroccon Couscous
One of their more popular specialties, this (sometimes leaning) tower of couscous is served with red peppers, raisins, toasted pine nuts, hummus and eggplant. We prefer the chicken add-on as opposed to the merguez sausage, although both are pretty solid.

After reading Bruni’s three star rave in the Times a while back (menu hasn’t changed), we walked into Corton with sky high expectations. Frank led us to our best fancy meal of the year at Eleven Madison Park, so we enlisted his services once again here. Expectations were even higher after checking out the decor – clearly a place with stark white walls, white dishes, no windows and no music will focus solely on the food, right? Well, the food definitely took center stage, and halfway through the meal I wanted my money back. Holy shit is this place overrated. This is the kind of food that restaurant critics go crazy for, but what about the rest of us? I am sure that the pork and foie gras emulsion on my plate is ground breaking and incredibly difficult to master, but we just want to eat things that taste good. Every thing that was put in front of us – appetizer to dessert – had some kind of foamy element. This wasn’t the original intended use, but we’re tagging this with a “Perfect For” Foam Parties tag. Next time you’re looking to drop special occasion money on a meal, do what we should have done. Go somewhere else.

Food Rundown:

Violet Hill Farm EggSee, we were all set to order the foie gras as one of our appetizers (per Bruni), but were pushed in other directions by our server. That momentary lapse on our part proved fatal. Egg and pork prepared four ways: ”Tete de Cochon,” Serrano Gelee, Artichoke | Vanilla Veloute’ (whatever all that means) OR foamy, frothy, soupy and custardy. I wasn’t really sure which to eat first. There were all kinds of different flavors going on and it was confusing and unsatisfying. Was it necessary to go heavy handed on bitter chocolate for the main farm egg dish? It overshadowed the rest of the flavors. The one saving grace was the small cube of tender pork belly that came as one of the farm egg sides. Too bad there weren’t twenty more.

Scallop with Black Winter TruffleWe did the three course, $85 prix fixe and splurged on the scallop dish, even though it was an additional $25. When in Rome, right? Even the freshly shaved truffles couldn’t save this. Like the previously mentioned farm egg, the scallop appetizer rolled out in four different forms, in two of which the scallop was completely unidentifiable, and all of which contained multiple incomprehensible preparations. The main dish of royale, truffle marmalade and parmesan had the look and feel of choppy orange Jello covered in what proved to be a waste of good truffles. While the plating and colors were impressive, I would have been way happier with three seared scallops instead of all this nonsense.

CodAnother miscue on our part, listening to the server who suggested the cod over the black angus beef. This filet of cod was fine, but not enough to redeem the meal. It was cooked in a ton of butter, which will make anything taste good. The cod fritter accompanying it was tasty…wish it wasn’t served in a cup of foam. The risotto of kabocha it came with was too salty and – shocker – served with a frothy puree of pork over it.