For those looking for a little bit of suburban mall dining in NYC, you’re in luck…just wander over to Union Square East. You can go ahead and add Wildwood to your Brother Jimmy’s and TGI Friday’s rotation. For those of us who take pride in our never ending culinary crusade through the world’s best food city, this is definitely one stop you should avoid. I can think of ten BBQ spots in NYC I’d hit before this, and a couple of bodegas that serve pulled pork sandwiches too. Don’t Waste Your Time and Money, unless of course your crew of frat bros are in town to watch the big game and you need to properly let the dawgs out without being judged. In that case, the size (huge), sounds (Nickelback) and food (numbingly average) might actually be what you’re looking for.

Food Rundown:

Dirty Bird Sandwich
Great name. This brings me back to my college days. There was a girl we nicknamed the Dirty Bird. She was real tall, extremely naughty and had an uncanny resemblance to Big Bird. She would have destroyed a couple of these pulled chicken sandwiches with pepper jack, bacon and onion rings…mostly because she didn’t use much discretion when it came to what she put in her mouth. In our book, this is a safe play and OK sandwich, but come on, it’s hard to screw up a chicken sandwich.

Texas Smoked Brisket
The only thing Texas about this brisket is the size. People expecting mouth watering Salt Lick style meat need to check back into reality. This brisket is uninspired, overcooked and on par with what you might find at office catering.

Carolina Pulled Pork
Making bad pulled pork isn’t easy, but they succeed in offering up some of the driest shredded pig on the planet. Prepare to douse it in so-so barbecue sauce.

Full Cut BBQ Spare Ribs
Damn, these ribs were extremely disappointing. I had to work really hard to get what little bit of meat there was off the bone, and was left hungry and unsatisfied.

Aged Cheddar Mac & Cheese
Worst mac and cheese we’ve ever tasted. Hands down. It has zero flavor and makes Kraft look like a delicacy.

Tater Tots
Tater tots are one of those things that can go either way, they’re either perfectly crispy and amazing or no good. These were the latter.

With the exception of the oysters, which were surprisingly affordable and quite good, the appetizers were a huge disappointment. After those were cleared away the service went dark. Like, we didn’t even see a Sagaponack employee for a solid half hour to forty-five minutes. We hoped that the wait meant that they were putting some extra love into our entrees, but sadly that wasn’t the case. You can read all about the underwhelming Applebee’s fare in the food rundown. Bottom line, there are too many good seafood restaurants in this city to waste your time with Sagaponack. In the same way that families out East will be packing up their homes and closing up shop at the end of the summer, we wouldn’t be surprised to be waving goodbye to Sagaponak for good come September.

Food Rundown:

Mussels
Nine bucks isn’t a bad deal for an appetizer-sized portion of mussels, but don’t let the price fool you. There’s a reason why these are cheap. ‘Cause they suck. The white wine, shallots and garlic sauce was thin and watery and the mussels themselves stank like seawater. Definitely skip.

Crispy Calamari
Oof, another tough hit right here. It sounded great on paper; a crispy calamari with roasted red pepper horseradish and jalapeno tartar. Sadly, the calamari was soft, not crispy and after one piece each, our table had tasted enough.

Cracked Conch
In no way am I an expert in conch, but I’ve gotta imagine it’s not supposed to taste like car tire. These chicken finger looking strips of rubber were pretty disgusting. I guess I ordered the wrong thing from the conch bar.

Oysters
Best thing on the menu. A half dozen Blue Point’s for ten dollars is actually a pretty good deal. Although I’ve spent the better portion of this review telling you to avoid Sagaponack like the plague, if oysters are on your mind, sitting at the bar for a beer and oysters here isn’t a bad option.

Seared Turbot Wrapped In Potato Crust
When done right, this classic dish can be fantastic. It was not. There was no flavor, the potato on the outside was overcooked and the fish on the inside was a bit dry and tasted like nothing.

Lobster Roll
When someone tells me to go to a restaurant to try the lobster roll I listen. I love lobster rolls of all different shapes, sizes and colors. This one was a disaster. Too much bun, not enough lobster, and an unnecessary layer of greens on the bottom. It actually looks pretty good in the twitpic, but looks can be deceiving. Check the soggy salad that came with it too.

Pan Roasted Crispy Skate
The best entree we tasted on the menu. The skate was really well cooked and the corn and tomato succotash and Israeli cous cous that came with it was on point. Too bad we didn’t all order it.

Lensi Organic Pasta With Apple Chicken Sausage
Overcooked pasta, greasy sauce and an overall quality of a dish that would come out of an Applebee’s kitchen.

Pan Roasted Chicken
I had roasted chicken on United Airlines a couple weeks ago that was better than this. Even the tasty Israeli cous cous couldn’t save it.

Aldea pimps out their chef, George Mendes, New Orleans style. In NOLA, chef photos and accolades greet you at the front door and decorate restaurant walls, watching you eat. By the time your meal is finished, you know damn well that John Besh or Donald Link is the man that made it all possible. Aldea revolves its world around Mendes in a similar way. Our waiter must have dropped George’s name three or four times, and I guarantee he’s required to do that. It all feels a little desperate…if your food is that good, New Yorkers will recognize. No need to shove it in our faces. Despite all the name dropping, Aldea is a very comfortable eating environment. We lucked out and got the best seat in the house, the back booth right in front of the kitchen, which you should absolutely request when you’re making a reservation. Overall, we’re not saying Aldea is a bad restaurant, it just doesn’t live up to all the hype. We’ll go back sometime, we’re just not in any rush.

Food Rundown:

Jamon Iberico
Definitely some high quality ham, but for $21, it’s not worth the high price tag. Spend the money on something else.

Sea Urchin Toast
Ok. This was good. Really good. But it’s also incredibly rich. Chunks of sea urchin (which look like slices of mandarine oranges) sit on top of a thin toasted cracker-thing with cauliflower cream and sea lettuce. Pretty great.

Salt Cod Croquettas
Possibly the creamiest cod crox we’ve ever had. I personally enjoyed them, but the rest of the table was not feelin’ the ultra-smooth texture of these.

Wellfleet Oysters
Six Oysters, seventeen bucks. I mean, come on. That’s a bit much, especially when they suck. The oysters were quite disappointing, as was the pickled ramp mignonette. Next.

Slow-Poached Egg
This was excellent. A slow poached egg sitting in a light spring garlic broth with truffle, sweet peas and smoked bacon. Break the yolk and mix everything together for the ultimate bite.

Tilefish
Holy crap, this was gross. So bad that we actually sent it back to catch a little fire (the fish wasn’t cooked at all). It appeared that they plated and garnished the fish right out of the fridge, and this wasn’t supposed to be a sushi dish. When it came back cooked, it didn’t matter. This fish tasted like it’d been sitting around for weeks and the biggest travesty is that it came highly recommended from our waiter. Stay away from the tilefish.

Arroz De Pato
The dish Aldea is famous for, and pretty much the reason that we came. New York Magazine awarded it “Best Paella” and the Village Voice named it the Best Duck Dish of 2009. It’s definitely really good, but as with this entire restaurant, it just didn’t blow me (or the rest of my table), away. A paella of duck confit, chorizo, olive, and duck cracklings, the texture is fantastic, but the flavors are just a tad too overbearing.

Pork and Clams
Don’t let the name fool you, this really is just a pork belly dish. I thought we’d get a healthy dose of both belly and clams, but that wasn’t the case. There were maybe three clams on the plate, seemingly for decoration only. That being said, the thin strips of pork belly were quite savory and the sweet and sour glaze was really tasty.

Time Out reports that J.G. is calling ABC his “hippie restaurant”. It’s such a well thought out concept, at first you almost want to roll your eyes and brush it off as one big cliche. Don’t do it. Embrace the flannel shirts, recycled paper towels and foliage free branches. This is industrial rustic done right. Everything is incredibly well executed, and the attention to detail really caught our eye. We’re usually not the type to discuss light fixtures or artwork at the dinner table, but for a brief moment in time, we actually managed to sustain a conversation about something other than our typical immature dinner banter. The ladies at our table were in heaven, and we’re honestly surprised that they didn’t try to stuff every piece of mismatched china and clay dinnerware into their purses. Speaking of purses, typically Jean-Georges dining comes with a hefty price tag, but that’s not the case at ABC Kitchen. This is actually an affordable way to experience his cuisine – indulge you should. A diverse mix of salads, pizzas, pastas and main course proteins decorate a menu that’s meant to be shared. Take a hit and pass, it’s the hippie way.

Food Rundown:

Ramp Toast
Make sure you sample at least one of the toast options on the market table section of the menu. We were all set to roll with the Peekytoe crab toast until we heard the specials. Either way, you won’t be disappointed.

Green Pea Soup
When was the last time you ordered pea soup and had whole peas show up in your bowl? This isn’t your standard pea soup…oh no, these peas are fresh out of JG’s garden and into your belly. There’s something refreshing about how simple this soup is – peas and carrots with a hint of mint. Good stuff.

Mackerel Sashimi
When eating off a balanced menu like this, you’d be doing yourself a disservice by not messing with one of the light seafood apps. Since fluke rarely impresses, we went mackerel and really enjoyed it. The ginger marinade really gave it some nice additional flavor.

Roast Carrot and Avocado Salad
This is quickly becoming one of ABC’s signature dishes and with good reason. I usually leave words like “divine” for females to use on their own food blogs, but in this case, I might actually play that card. That’s exactly what a well constructed bite of this salad is – a little bit of carrot, some avocado and a few seeds all in the same mouthful. Divine.

Pretzel Dusted Calamari
This whole ‘pretzel dust’ thing is a little gimmicky and didn’t taste any different from other batches of calamari. My one complaint here is that underneath the alleged pretzel dusting was rubbery, overcooked calamari. The two dipping sauces were excellent though, and somewhat made up for the chewy squid

Bowtie Pasta with Kasha and Veal Meatballs
Jean-Georges’ take on an old Jewish dish Kasha varnishkes would probably have my ancestors rolling in their graves, but had us scraping the plate clean. If you are ordering one pasta dish, this is the one to get. The crispy kasha and fresh bowtie pasta played off the veal meatballs perfectly. Our table freaked out over this.

Whole Wheat Pizza with Clams
God damn. For me personally, it doesn’t get any better than this right here. A ridiculous amount little neck clams brought to life by hints of mint, parsley and fresh chilies. If you like clams, spicy and pizza like me, you’ll be in heaven.

Chili-Herbed Black Sea Bass
A nice piece of fish, this sea bass with a little extra kick was good, not great. If we could do it all over again, we’d roll with the arctic char or cod.

Organic Crispy Chicken
Ideally crispy on the outside, moist and juicy on the inside. Well executed and highly recommended.

Dessert
Saving a little space for sweets here is worth your while. Definitely order the sundae with salted caramel-peanut ice cream, candied popcorn, whipped creme fraiche & chocolate sauce. All you need is a couple bites, but those couple bites are glorious. Other fan faves included the chocolate cake with marshmallow icing and vanilla & citrus cream doughnuts with chocolate dipping sauce. Good times.

Not to say that we weren’t guilty of blowing up @immaculateinfat with pictures of pig foot now and again, but we definitely tried to not get sucked in by the hype. We hit The Breslin as much as possible before fully weighing in, which wasn’t an easy task. It’s obviously one of the tougher tables in town. Over the last month or two, we managed a solid Chronic Brunch hang with Hot 97’s Miss Info and Spin.com’s Peter Gaston and a Dinner With The Parent’s move was manageable mid-week. The Breslin is definitely a better option for Weekday/After Work Drinks & Dinner than on the weekends, when you’re sure to hit crazy three hour waits.

So what do we think? We fully expected to be head over heels for this place, but truth be told, it’s all just a bit too much. The food is brutally unhealthy, rich and hearty. Some of it is good and some of it not so good, but no matter what, it’s going to hit you over the head. Those Breslin induced meat sweats NY Times scribe Sam Sifton describes in his review are for real. You’ll be feeling this meal in your gut for days. Aside from the food, the service is terrible and cost The Breslin some major points. Forget about industry experience, it seems like they had an open casting in Washington Square Park, signing up anyone with tattoos, a dirty flannel shirt and below average IQ. These are not the same seasoned vets you’ll find at The Spotted Pig. These are hip looking kids who belong in class, not making our $14 drinks. Speaking of drinks, I need one badly after writing this manifesto.

Food Rundown:

Full English Breakfast
Consisting of a fried egg (one of the better fried eggs we’ve ever had), pork sausage, bacon, roasted tomato and grilled mushrooms, this is one hell of a way to start off your day. I kind of wish they substituted potatoes instead of the vegetables, but what can you do.

Skirt Steak with Green Sauce & Fried Eggs
Good luck doing anything with the rest of your day. This is not the kind of breakfast that yields productivity. Skirt steak was good, not mind blowing. Again, the eggs here are fantastic.

Pork Scratchings
Fried pork rinds show up in a bag like they were bought from the market. Nice gimmick, and for five dollars, not a bad deal. A bag that size is definitely going to cost you more at Whole Foods.

Scotch Egg
So, I’ve now been for dinner three times. The first time they couldn’t make the scotch egg. They apologized and said the kitchen was having issues. Second and third time through, they were all out. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. We’ve heard rumors that they’re really good. We wouldn’t know.

Beef & Stilton Pie
Cute little beef pies that left much to be desired, they’re extremely dry and almost flavorless. Skip these and get down with something else.

Hog Island Oysters with Pickle Juice
Respect to Bloomfield for rolling with Hog Island’s, the best Oyster spot in all of San Fran. The pickle juice was a nice touch, enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

Onion and Bone Marrow Soup
Similar looking and tasting to standard French onion soup, the bone marrow gave it an extra rich flavor that balanced quite well with the parmesan toast it’s served with. A solid, albeit heavy, appetizer and possibly one of the only soups I’d ever recommend to share. All you need is a couple sips of this and you’re good to go.

Herbed Caesar Salad with Anchovy Croutons
Somehow even the lone salad on the menu manages to be rather filling. Huge romaine leaves lathered in dressing give this green a lot of personality. You could order this and the Bone Marrow soup as your dinner and still end up in a food coma.

Smoked Pork Belly with Mashed Potatoes For Two
This isn’t that standard small piece of pork belly that most restaurants serve. No way. This thing is huge. My issue is that to get to the beautiful tender pieces, you have to eat through thick layers of fat. Yes, it tastes great, but you can feel the lard trickling down your esophagus and sitting in your belly for the next week.

Stuffed Pigs Foot For Two
They claim this is the foot of a pig, but this thing looks it came off a T-Rex. It could easily feed the entire Jets offensive line. As much as we wanted to, we just weren’t feelin’ the foot. The crispy, fatty pieces of meat in the actual foot part are incredibly rich and the stuffed part of the foot tasted like meat loaf. Bad meat loaf. Also, spitting out pig toe bones during dinner…kind of nasty.

Lamb Burger with Thrice Cooked Steak Fries
Not a bad burger, but certainly not in the same league as The Spotted Pig’s. Shaped like a hockey puck, this grilled disc sits neatly in a fresh sourdough bun – one that packs just a little too much bread. Medium rare seems to come out medium, but maybe that’s just how the lamb cooks? This isn’t the wet and wild burger experience we were expecting, I didn’t even need to pick up a napkin. The steak fries are creating quite the buzz and deservedly so. The outsides are nice and crispy while the insides are straight up mashed. Fries > Burger.

Now, ask anyone with basic cable and spice rack about Bobby Flay and they should be able to spit out something about Mesa Grill…maybe even Bar Americain. But ask those same people about Anthony Bourdain, and unless they read Kitchen Confidential, I doubt you’ll hear much about Les Halles. Bourdain spent many years as the restaurant’s executive chef, and it’s still his “home base” according to the restaurant. So, if you count yourself among those who haven’t been, allow us to elaborate.

If what you know of Bourdain is entirely based on No Reservations, you might expect that a restaurant under his watch would be all about ethnic food, random animal parts, and booze (which, now that I think about it, would be amazing). But Les Halles is a straightforward French bistro, and it’s all about the steaks and the fries. The important thing to know if you’re going is this: don’t fuck around. Don’t go if you’re planning to skip the red meat and order a salad and a piece of salmon. Don’t go if you’re expecting four star French service and finger sandwiches. Go if you’re hungry for a steak and feel like working on a mid-day wine buzz. That’s how you do it.

Food Rundown:

Gratinée Des Halles
This is an excellent French onion soup. Second only to L’Express, but that might be because we’ve rarely eaten at L’Express sober.

Onglet à l’Échalote
A hangar steak with shallot sauce. The shallot sauce is quite a bit more delicate than some of the others you’ll find with other cuts of meat, which can be nice. We like this, but we like the skirt steak better.

Bavette de Boeuf
A favorite of ours, this is skirt steak with just enough bleu cheese to keep things interesting. Delicious.

Steak au Poivre
Chances are you’ve had this somewhere, but you need to have it here.

Pommes Frites
Possibly the most important thing in the whole restaurant. Bourdain has actually boasted that his fries are the best in the world. I don’t know if we’ll give him that, but they’re pretty unbelievable, especially sitting next to your steak soaking up all the meat juice and sauce.

Mignon de Porc “Maison”
I suppose if we’re writing about something that’s not steak after my diatribe above, it should be pork. This was a reccomendation from a waiter, and a good one at that. Very tender pork medallions in a garlic sauce with a pile of mashed potatoes. Maybe a little too salty, but pretty tasty nonetheless.

Unfortunately, a woman soon arrived and the man instead professed his undying love for her. Nonetheless, I was inspired, and had learned something important. I now realized that I could live a fulfilled and happy life devoted to a single hamburger – The Shack Burger.

There are two lessons to be learned from this story. First, Shake Shack is the burger by which all other New York City burgers are to be measured. This is hamburger perfection, and the epic lines are the only thing preventing weekly Infatuation visits. Second, there is a huge badass somewhere out there that proposed to his girlfriend over a burger and fries. Well done sir.

Food Rundown:

Shack Burger
About as good as a hamburger gets. A Pat LaFrieda sirloin and brisket patty with crispy edges on a soft bun. The Shack Sauce is buttery heaven. The only downside here is that the single Shack Burger can leave you wanting more, while the double can put a hurtin’ on you. A single and a half would be about perfect.

Fries
Decent crinkle fries to accompany your burger. If you are really going for it, the cheese fries are pretty damn tasty.

Shack-cago Dog
While the burger is fantastic, the dogs at Shake Shack deserve some recognition of their own. This is a true Chicago style dog, steamed poppy seed bun and all.

New York Dog
A Vienna beef dog topped with some high end kraut on a potato roll. Not exactly a dirty water dog, but it’s tasty.

Food Rundown:

Chicken Croquette
These croquettes were the best thing we ate at Bar Breton. These had a nice comforting flavor (like chicken soup) and were light and crunchy on the outside, soft in the middle.

Chicken Wings
Terrible, tiny chicken wings that were overcooked to the point that they could nearly qualify as jerky. Avoid at all costs.

Fried Deviled Eggs
A fried “deviled” egg – this was a bit strange but still had a nice rich flavor. Interesting, but not particularly memorable.

Pork Loin
A tough piece of pork that was bland and disappointing, especially after having come highly recommended from our waiter.

Cod with Mussels
Fishy cod and rubbery mussels make for one unappetizing seafood dish. We’d rather not.

Burger
Billed as Bar Breton’s “famous” hamburger, this wasn’t awful, but we’re not sure what it’s famous for exactly.

Lamb Galette
Of the galettes we tried, this one had a nice lamb flavor. The problem is that the galette comes “lasagna” style, stacked in layers which ultimately looked like a brown pile of lamb.

Food Rundown:

Pan Con Tomate
A simple Spanish classic, bread with smashed tomatoes garlic and some olives. Incredibly flavorful for being so simple.

Bacon Wrapped Dates
Three dates to an order, these sweet little guys are wrapped in awesome salty bacon. Amazing.

Pimientos de Padrón
Also known as shoshito peppers, and hopefully by now you know that we love shoshito peppers. Another winner for sure.

Buñuelos de Bacalao
We’re no stranger to salt cod fritters, but something about the texture on these don’t do it for us. We’d recommend the croquetas jamon instead.

Asparagus with Poached Egg
A special on a recent visit, these were incredible and the poached egg adds an amazing richness. Vegetables seem to get the right kind of love at Boqueria, which leads us to the Brussels sprouts …

Coles de Bruselas y Chorizo
A good Brussels sprouts dish is hard to beat, and this is one of the best we’ve had. Tasty roasted sprouts with chorizo, which makes everything better.

Albóndigas
Yep, these are awesome. Lamb meatballs with a sheep’s milk cheese sitting in a tomato based sauce. Save some bread to soak that up.

Churros
Warm donuts with cinnamon and sugar and some dark chocolate, it’s pretty much impossible not to stuff these into your face at high velocity.

Food Rundown:

Stuzzichini Misti
This is the way to start your meal at Bar Stuzzichini. Choose from three small plates on the menu, and you’ll probably want to throw a few a la carte. My recommendations are as follows:

• Mozzarella di Bufala
  Excellent fresh made Mozzarella.

• Arancini
  Cheesy fried risotto balls. Enough said.

• Carciofi
  Halved and fried small artichokes. Squeeze some lemon over the plate and dive in.

• Polpo
  Grilled octopus. I recommend trying this even if you have previously not been a fan of octopus. This one is tender and not the slightest bit rubbery.

• Involtini
  Grilled eggplant with buffalo ricotta. Amazing, and one of the many great vegetarian options.

• *Note
  The small plate salumi and cheese options are also very good, though the dishes listed above are more satisfying in my opinion.

Maccheroni alla Chitarra
Do not make the mistake of visiting Bar Stuzzichini and not ordering this. Fresh long pasta in a pistachio and lemon cream sauce that is likely the caloric equivalent of a Krispy Kreme donut pasta.

Gnocchi all’Amatriciana
This is one of the better gnocchi dishes in the city. Light and fluffy gnocchi in a tomato, onion, chili and pork jowl (bacon but better) sauce.

Branzino Arrosto
Pan-seared branzino in a mushroom ragu, this is a good entrre and the better of the two fish dishes on the menu.

*Note
This rundown is typically how I order for a group of four. After several visits, it became clear that one order of the Maccheroni is not adequate for any more than two to share, so plan on a few orders if you’re rolling deep.