A recent road trip to Citrus reminded me why I don’t ever go to the UWS to eat. Of course there are better restaurants on the UWS than Citrus, but it’s a perfect representation of everything that’s wrong with restaurants in this area. Citrus has been a neighborhood staple for years now; the place is overflowing with people 24/7. The space is huge, loud and as cheesy as it gets. Fluorescent lights illuminate the walls while the room comes fully equipped with a stone waterfall and enough plants to pass for a Rainforest Cafe. There is nothing NYC about this place; you might as well be eating in Texas. While the food isn’t terrible, their Latin meets Asian menu is just too far-fetched. If they tried this downtown, the restaurant wouldn’t last more than a year. Do you really want chips and salsa before your sushi? That’s just strange. Also, if I’m paying $15 for a margarita, I expect that drink to be labor intensive, not just some tequila tossed in with a pre-made mixture.
Even some of the greatest bands in the history of music release bad albums sometimes. It happens. The Stones somehow thought Voodoo Lounge was a good idea. Oasis’ Standing on the Shoulder of Giants is one of the more unlistenable records ever. I’m sure some people were into it, but U2′s disco phase of Pop was a mess with the exception of “Staring at the Sun” – that’s a damn good tune. Kingdom Come? Jay-Z actually put his name on that? Jigga … what? If anyone other than Radiohead released Amnesiac, no one would give a rat’s ass, and that admission comes from one of their biggest fans.
These same failures happen in the restaurant game all the time (see Daniel Boulud and DBGB). For all intents and purposes, the title of this review should be The Spaghetti Incident – the god-awful piece of turd Guns N’ Roses album that was somehow allowed to go public following Use Your Illusions 1 & 2. Danny Meyer my friend, Maialino is your very own Roman trattoria Spaghetti Incident. You’ve done just about everything right throughout your career, and, even with this misstep, we’ll always have your back. Eleven Madison Park, Blue Smoke, Union Square Cafe, Gramercy Tavern and Shake Shack serve some of the best food this city has to offer. Naturally, since you’re the only restaurateur who owns two 9.0 ratings on our site, we put your work on a pedestal. We expect nothing but the best. Unfortunately, Maialino is a bust. Let us explain.
While the food isn’t terrible, it just didn’t strike us as inspiring, and the service was a train wreck. On three different occasions, drinks were ordered and simply not picked up from the bar until we reminded the waiter. After the bread (without bread plates), no one cleared the crumbs off the table … amateur hour. After each course, they took away your silverware but didn’t re-set the table until the next course was already down. Tough to eat food you’re supposed to share without plates or utensils. It was one thing after the next, and while it seemed like there were a ton of people working, there was zero cohesion. The cherry on the sundae was a nice long hair in the Brussels sprouts. Yum. Hey, at least we knew it came from someone’s head, right? To their credit, they did keep apologizing for the mishaps and comped dessert. Lastly, this whole traditional Roman trattoria thing is a joke. I mean, we’re in the Gramercy Park Hotel, and it just feels a little too contrived. Glued on, uneven wood beams play no part in holding up the structure of the hotel, and the dark maroon paneling that lines the walls is ugly and looks like cheap plastic. And what, no Gladiators? Maybe Russell Crowe is getting wasted next door at Rose Bar.
Let’s make one thing clear. Maialino is not an awful restaurant, but it’s not of the caliber we’ve come to expect from Danny Meyer. If this were anyone else, it might be a different story. Fair or unfair, that’s just the way it is. Just like Mick and Keith experienced, it’s tough to write “Satisfaction” every time out.
We saw Sam Sifton’s Times review of this place a few months ago, and decided to try and figure out what he likes so much about a restaurant known for cheap steak. We had no such luck. To be honest, we’re having a hard time figuring out what makes this any better than a steak dinner inside Denver International Airport. I suppose you could bring in a full size bottle of shampoo if you want.
At Le Relais de Venise, there is only one thing on the menu. It’s a three course meal that costs $24 and consists of the following: salad, steak, and frites. Loyalists maintain that this is a fantastic deal for a really good steak – and waitresses in French maid outfits seem to always get a mention. In reality, this is mediocre steak smothered in “secret” sauce to compensate for the fact that it’s tough and chewy. Kind of like what McDonald’s does with the McRib. If you ask us, we’d rather spend $22.50 on the Steak au Poive and frites at Les Halles – better price, better steak, better fries.
In the interest of equal opportunity neighborhood coverage, we decided to post a review of this place, but it’s already taking up more real estate than it deserves. Here’s all you need to know about Accademia Di Vino. It’s not even one of the better insanely overpriced Italian restaurants in a neighborhood full of nothing but insanely overpriced Italian restaurants. I will never understand how this is a “Critic’s Pick” for New York Magazine. What critic? Ivanka Trump? Or is Ruth Madoff on staff now?
While this place is essentially The Olive Garden for elitists, the one bright spot happens to be the wine list. There are some great selections from all over Italy, a few that are even reasonably priced. Also making things slightly more bearable are some very nice bartenders in the street level wine bar, and one of them has a good iPod playlist. Verdict? If you happen to be at Bloomingdales desperately in need of a glass of wine, swing in to the upstairs bar at Accademia. Just don’t eat.
Dress code: business casual. Thanks for the tip, Sparks website. I’ll be sure to eat somewhere else. I don’t care if you wear pleated wrinkle-free Dockers every day of your life, how does that even make sense for a restaurant dress code? Formal, or jacket required is one thing, but clearly stating that your clientele should be wearing tucked in golf shirts? Classy. Make sure to let us know when Hawaiian shirt Friday happens.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, we’re not fans of Sparks. Everything about the place feels stuffy and corporate, like eating at the only steakhouse within twenty miles of a major convention center. Despite the business casual rule, most everyone you’ll see is dressed in a boxy suit, looking ready to drop some dollars at the nearest strip club after dinner. And on top of all that, the steaks are a let down and the service is terrible. The one thing Sparks does have going for it? A famous mobster was murdered out front. Cool! (says everyone on the red double decker bus). We don’t know about you, but we’ll skip the gangster back story and eat a steak somewhere that doesn’t make us angry.
