For those looking for a little bit of suburban mall dining in NYC, you’re in luck…just wander over to Union Square East. You can go ahead and add Wildwood to your Brother Jimmy’s and TGI Friday’s rotation. For those of us who take pride in our never ending culinary crusade through the world’s best food city, this is definitely one stop you should avoid. I can think of ten BBQ spots in NYC I’d hit before this, and a couple of bodegas that serve pulled pork sandwiches too. Don’t Waste Your Time and Money, unless of course your crew of frat bros are in town to watch the big game and you need to properly let the dawgs out without being judged. In that case, the size (huge), sounds (Nickelback) and food (numbingly average) might actually be what you’re looking for.

Food Rundown:

Dirty Bird Sandwich
Great name. This brings me back to my college days. There was a girl we nicknamed the Dirty Bird. She was real tall, extremely naughty and had an uncanny resemblance to Big Bird. She would have destroyed a couple of these pulled chicken sandwiches with pepper jack, bacon and onion rings…mostly because she didn’t use much discretion when it came to what she put in her mouth. In our book, this is a safe play and OK sandwich, but come on, it’s hard to screw up a chicken sandwich.

Texas Smoked Brisket
The only thing Texas about this brisket is the size. People expecting mouth watering Salt Lick style meat need to check back into reality. This brisket is uninspired, overcooked and on par with what you might find at office catering.

Carolina Pulled Pork
Making bad pulled pork isn’t easy, but they succeed in offering up some of the driest shredded pig on the planet. Prepare to douse it in so-so barbecue sauce.

Full Cut BBQ Spare Ribs
Damn, these ribs were extremely disappointing. I had to work really hard to get what little bit of meat there was off the bone, and was left hungry and unsatisfied.

Aged Cheddar Mac & Cheese
Worst mac and cheese we’ve ever tasted. Hands down. It has zero flavor and makes Kraft look like a delicacy.

Tater Tots
Tater tots are one of those things that can go either way, they’re either perfectly crispy and amazing or no good. These were the latter.

With the exception of the oysters, which were surprisingly affordable and quite good, the appetizers were a huge disappointment. After those were cleared away the service went dark. Like, we didn’t even see a Sagaponack employee for a solid half hour to forty-five minutes. We hoped that the wait meant that they were putting some extra love into our entrees, but sadly that wasn’t the case. You can read all about the underwhelming Applebee’s fare in the food rundown. Bottom line, there are too many good seafood restaurants in this city to waste your time with Sagaponack. In the same way that families out East will be packing up their homes and closing up shop at the end of the summer, we wouldn’t be surprised to be waving goodbye to Sagaponak for good come September.

Food Rundown:

Mussels
Nine bucks isn’t a bad deal for an appetizer-sized portion of mussels, but don’t let the price fool you. There’s a reason why these are cheap. ‘Cause they suck. The white wine, shallots and garlic sauce was thin and watery and the mussels themselves stank like seawater. Definitely skip.

Crispy Calamari
Oof, another tough hit right here. It sounded great on paper; a crispy calamari with roasted red pepper horseradish and jalapeno tartar. Sadly, the calamari was soft, not crispy and after one piece each, our table had tasted enough.

Cracked Conch
In no way am I an expert in conch, but I’ve gotta imagine it’s not supposed to taste like car tire. These chicken finger looking strips of rubber were pretty disgusting. I guess I ordered the wrong thing from the conch bar.

Oysters
Best thing on the menu. A half dozen Blue Point’s for ten dollars is actually a pretty good deal. Although I’ve spent the better portion of this review telling you to avoid Sagaponack like the plague, if oysters are on your mind, sitting at the bar for a beer and oysters here isn’t a bad option.

Seared Turbot Wrapped In Potato Crust
When done right, this classic dish can be fantastic. It was not. There was no flavor, the potato on the outside was overcooked and the fish on the inside was a bit dry and tasted like nothing.

Lobster Roll
When someone tells me to go to a restaurant to try the lobster roll I listen. I love lobster rolls of all different shapes, sizes and colors. This one was a disaster. Too much bun, not enough lobster, and an unnecessary layer of greens on the bottom. It actually looks pretty good in the twitpic, but looks can be deceiving. Check the soggy salad that came with it too.

Pan Roasted Crispy Skate
The best entree we tasted on the menu. The skate was really well cooked and the corn and tomato succotash and Israeli cous cous that came with it was on point. Too bad we didn’t all order it.

Lensi Organic Pasta With Apple Chicken Sausage
Overcooked pasta, greasy sauce and an overall quality of a dish that would come out of an Applebee’s kitchen.

Pan Roasted Chicken
I had roasted chicken on United Airlines a couple weeks ago that was better than this. Even the tasty Israeli cous cous couldn’t save it.

Years ago when I lived in the neighborhood, I wandered into this nondescript cheese shop and ordered a sandwich off the list. I quickly realized that what I held in my hand was a perfectly assembled fistful of cured meat, cheese and bread that would be the start of a long and fulfilling relationship with Lamazou. From that day forward, this place was a three day a week meal stop, and over the years I managed to eat my way through damn near everything in the deli case.

What you’ll find at Lamazou is not only an incredible selection of cheeses (there is a cheese cave in the basement), but also various high quality cured meats. Both selections are incredible in their own right, but the real magic comes when the two are combined to make bomb ass sandwiches. Aziz is always happy to recommend something from the menu, and he’ll also point you in the direction of what goodness in the cheese case is particularly off the hook…whether you ask or not. That’s exactly the kind of personality and passion that makes this place amazing. Also present are various imported snacks and candies from around the world that I can neither pronounce or identify, but they’re all interesting and tasty. Especially Taytos. Thanks England for giving me a way to order your potato chips without having to say the word “crisps”.

Food Rundown:

Milano
A simple and delicious sandwich of salami, turkey breast, and provolone. The genius comes from the mind blowing quality of each. Across the board, we recommend the crusty ciabatta as the vehicle.

Caprice de Lamazou
Perfect for the summer, this is a light and tasty sandwich with smoked salmon, lemon, capers and cornichons. As a matter of fact, we back anything on this menu with cornichons.

Italico
Similar to the Milano, but with a delicious mortadella.

Troubador
Imported chorizo and manchengo. We’re big fans of manchengo cheese, and well, Spain in general. One of our favorites.

Butterfly
A thick black pepper pate is spread on ciabatta with butter and those awesome cornichons. This is next level, and not something we could have in any regular rotation, but it’s good.

Soups
You can usually find two homemade soups at Lamazou daily. We love the potato leek. Honestly, they’re all pretty great, and you should ask about them.

If however, you are just in the ‘hood looking for a drink, Cask will do just fine. They have a good selection of beers, and are probably the only bar within three blocks that doesn’t have a weekly Jagermeister promotion. The downstairs Cellar Bar is also a great option for a birthday or a private party…we would just recommend setting up a dinner somewhere else first.

Food Rundown:

Philly Cheese Steak Spring Rolls
Sort of like the Northeast’s version of a Southwestern egg roll. We’ll recommend you pass on these.

Kobe Sliders
Perfectly fine sliders with a red onion marmalade. Three come to an order, and they’ll do the job of soaking up some booze, especially since they’re a little dry.

Bruschetta Flatbread
The flatbreads are a safe choice on the Cask menu, but don’t expect to be blown away. The bruschetta flat bread can be ordered hot or cold, and hot is definitely the way to go…we think. Either way, it’s a pizza.

Truffle Mac n’ Cheese
Usually putting truffle in Mac n’ Cheese is like putting Spanx on a fat girl…so forgiving and sexy. But somehow this mac n’ cheese still wasn’t attractive.

Braised Short Ribs
One of the better things we’ve had at Cask, but definitely not a short rib we’ll be coming back for. The mashed potatoes were good I guess.

Time Out reports that J.G. is calling ABC his “hippie restaurant”. It’s such a well thought out concept, at first you almost want to roll your eyes and brush it off as one big cliche. Don’t do it. Embrace the flannel shirts, recycled paper towels and foliage free branches. This is industrial rustic done right. Everything is incredibly well executed, and the attention to detail really caught our eye. We’re usually not the type to discuss light fixtures or artwork at the dinner table, but for a brief moment in time, we actually managed to sustain a conversation about something other than our typical immature dinner banter. The ladies at our table were in heaven, and we’re honestly surprised that they didn’t try to stuff every piece of mismatched china and clay dinnerware into their purses. Speaking of purses, typically Jean-Georges dining comes with a hefty price tag, but that’s not the case at ABC Kitchen. This is actually an affordable way to experience his cuisine – indulge you should. A diverse mix of salads, pizzas, pastas and main course proteins decorate a menu that’s meant to be shared. Take a hit and pass, it’s the hippie way.

Food Rundown:

Ramp Toast
Make sure you sample at least one of the toast options on the market table section of the menu. We were all set to roll with the Peekytoe crab toast until we heard the specials. Either way, you won’t be disappointed.

Green Pea Soup
When was the last time you ordered pea soup and had whole peas show up in your bowl? This isn’t your standard pea soup…oh no, these peas are fresh out of JG’s garden and into your belly. There’s something refreshing about how simple this soup is – peas and carrots with a hint of mint. Good stuff.

Mackerel Sashimi
When eating off a balanced menu like this, you’d be doing yourself a disservice by not messing with one of the light seafood apps. Since fluke rarely impresses, we went mackerel and really enjoyed it. The ginger marinade really gave it some nice additional flavor.

Roast Carrot and Avocado Salad
This is quickly becoming one of ABC’s signature dishes and with good reason. I usually leave words like “divine” for females to use on their own food blogs, but in this case, I might actually play that card. That’s exactly what a well constructed bite of this salad is – a little bit of carrot, some avocado and a few seeds all in the same mouthful. Divine.

Pretzel Dusted Calamari
This whole ‘pretzel dust’ thing is a little gimmicky and didn’t taste any different from other batches of calamari. My one complaint here is that underneath the alleged pretzel dusting was rubbery, overcooked calamari. The two dipping sauces were excellent though, and somewhat made up for the chewy squid

Bowtie Pasta with Kasha and Veal Meatballs
Jean-Georges’ take on an old Jewish dish Kasha varnishkes would probably have my ancestors rolling in their graves, but had us scraping the plate clean. If you are ordering one pasta dish, this is the one to get. The crispy kasha and fresh bowtie pasta played off the veal meatballs perfectly. Our table freaked out over this.

Whole Wheat Pizza with Clams
God damn. For me personally, it doesn’t get any better than this right here. A ridiculous amount little neck clams brought to life by hints of mint, parsley and fresh chilies. If you like clams, spicy and pizza like me, you’ll be in heaven.

Chili-Herbed Black Sea Bass
A nice piece of fish, this sea bass with a little extra kick was good, not great. If we could do it all over again, we’d roll with the arctic char or cod.

Organic Crispy Chicken
Ideally crispy on the outside, moist and juicy on the inside. Well executed and highly recommended.

Dessert
Saving a little space for sweets here is worth your while. Definitely order the sundae with salted caramel-peanut ice cream, candied popcorn, whipped creme fraiche & chocolate sauce. All you need is a couple bites, but those couple bites are glorious. Other fan faves included the chocolate cake with marshmallow icing and vanilla & citrus cream doughnuts with chocolate dipping sauce. Good times.

A few years back, Sarma Melngailis decided to show New York that a raw food restaurant doesn’t have to mean serving carrot sticks and lentils to a soundtrack of Ben Harper songs. Pure Food And Wine opened, and in the process she’s become an icon among those passionate about the raw lifestyle. Her restaurant, cookbooks, and One Lucky Duck takeaway business have all been extremely successful, and it’s because, raw or not, the food is incredible.

What makes the restaurant particularly special is that, as we mentioned before, it’s a place dedicated to pleasure. The food is obviously meant to make you feel good, but there are also some slammin’ cocktails, a solid wine list, and a ridiculously large garden out back that ensure that you’ll be feeling it on all levels. You’re going to be surprised at how much you like what you’re eating, and even though your bank account will be the one thing feeling less healthy after your meal, you’re going to want to come back. Don’t be afraid. Eating at Pure now and again doesn’t mean you have to give up your burgers and steaks. It just means you’ll look like shit compared to all the hot, healthy people in there if you don’t.

Food Rundown:

Salad of Frisee, Wild Arugula, and Belgian Endive in Banyuls Vinaigrette
A really nice salad, put together with a cashew “cheese”, pear slices, and a sweet and tangy vinaigrette made from dessert wine.

Asparagus Sushi Rolls with Mirin Soaked Forest Mushrooms
At first glance, this is a pretty straightforward sushi roll with some very tasty veggies inside. What you might not notice is that the “rice” is mostly jicama with some pine nuts.

Zucchini and Local Hothouse Tomato Lasagne
This one seems to be the perennial favorite on the menu. Fresh and delicious, this has a sun-dried tomato marinara and macadamia pumpkin seed ricotta that gives it the flavor of a traditional lasagna. Could be the best thing we had all night.

Wasabi Sesame Cabbage Salad with Cashew-Black Sesame Crunch and Wasabi Aioli
This salad is a new addition to the One Lucky Duck takeaway menu, and it’s really, really good. We’re already petitioning for a One Lucky Duck midtown so we can get this into our daily lunch rotation.

Sweet Pickled Tri Color Beet Ravioli Stuffed with Golden Raisin and Pistachio Cheese
Half dollar sized beet “ravioli”, these again use the nut cheese to trick you into thinking you’ve got some dairy on the plate, and they’re excellent.

King Oyster Mushroom Scallops with Hijiki Seaweed Caviar
What looks like a scallop is actually a mushroom, and it tastes good, especially with that tomato broth that’s on the plate.

Mint Sundae
Another house favorite, coconut serves as the substitute for dairy, and the result is something that tastes like mint chocolate ice cream with Thin Mints on top. Nice.

Now, ask anyone with basic cable and spice rack about Bobby Flay and they should be able to spit out something about Mesa Grill…maybe even Bar Americain. But ask those same people about Anthony Bourdain, and unless they read Kitchen Confidential, I doubt you’ll hear much about Les Halles. Bourdain spent many years as the restaurant’s executive chef, and it’s still his “home base” according to the restaurant. So, if you count yourself among those who haven’t been, allow us to elaborate.

If what you know of Bourdain is entirely based on No Reservations, you might expect that a restaurant under his watch would be all about ethnic food, random animal parts, and booze (which, now that I think about it, would be amazing). But Les Halles is a straightforward French bistro, and it’s all about the steaks and the fries. The important thing to know if you’re going is this: don’t fuck around. Don’t go if you’re planning to skip the red meat and order a salad and a piece of salmon. Don’t go if you’re expecting four star French service and finger sandwiches. Go if you’re hungry for a steak and feel like working on a mid-day wine buzz. That’s how you do it.

Food Rundown:

Gratinée Des Halles
This is an excellent French onion soup. Second only to L’Express, but that might be because we’ve rarely eaten at L’Express sober.

Onglet à l’Échalote
A hangar steak with shallot sauce. The shallot sauce is quite a bit more delicate than some of the others you’ll find with other cuts of meat, which can be nice. We like this, but we like the skirt steak better.

Bavette de Boeuf
A favorite of ours, this is skirt steak with just enough bleu cheese to keep things interesting. Delicious.

Steak au Poivre
Chances are you’ve had this somewhere, but you need to have it here.

Pommes Frites
Possibly the most important thing in the whole restaurant. Bourdain has actually boasted that his fries are the best in the world. I don’t know if we’ll give him that, but they’re pretty unbelievable, especially sitting next to your steak soaking up all the meat juice and sauce.

Mignon de Porc “Maison”
I suppose if we’re writing about something that’s not steak after my diatribe above, it should be pork. This was a reccomendation from a waiter, and a good one at that. Very tender pork medallions in a garlic sauce with a pile of mashed potatoes. Maybe a little too salty, but pretty tasty nonetheless.

I’ll try and keep this simple. This place is always insanely crowded, the food sucks, and yet it’s somehow pretentious. The menu is entirely in Italian, and along with the wine list, incomprehensible. I swear they went and found the most random and difficult to pronounce wines in all of Italy just to make you feel like an ass when you order. There are a few decent dishes, and some meat and cheese plates that are serviceable, but that’s difficult to screw up, and we’re not going to throw around points for some sopressata and a handful of olives. When it comes down to it, if you happen to be an Italian born sommelier with money to waste on mediocre food, this place is right up your alley. If not, skip it.

Food Rundown:

Polpo
Pretty standard grilled octopus. Not the best we’ve ever had, and not the worst either.

Truffle Egg Toast
Two large blocks of toast that look like bars of soap and are equally as hard to cut through. There was so much truffle oil on these that the table next to us smelled it and felt compelled to tell us they had just returned from picking fresh truffles in Italy. No shit Giada? Well you’re here now, so I’m gonna guess that means you were on a cruise and paid some grifter hundreds of Euros to take you on a glorified easter egg hunt. No more talking.

Large Flat Pasta with Pork Belly
Again, the menu is in Italian, and I can’t even remember what this translates to, so we’ll just call it pasta with pork belly. This was actually pretty damn good, but I don’t have my Rosetta Stone handy so I can’t tell you how to order it.

Polenta, Funghi and Cippolle
A decent polenta with mushroom and onion. The texture is good, but not the most flavorful polenta we’ve had. Again, not terrible, but not amazing.

Proscuitto, Mozzarella, and Arugula Pesto Panini
Not sure how this place sells so many panini’s. Maybe they banned George Foreman grills from the NYU dorm down the street.

These same failures happen in the restaurant game all the time (see Daniel Boulud and DBGB). For all intents and purposes, the title of this review should be The Spaghetti Incident – the god-awful piece of turd Guns N’ Roses album that was somehow allowed to go public following Use Your Illusions 1 & 2. Danny Meyer my friend, Maialino is your very own Roman trattoria Spaghetti Incident. You’ve done just about everything right throughout your career, and, even with this misstep, we’ll always have your back. Eleven Madison Park, Blue Smoke, Union Square Cafe, Gramercy Tavern and Shake Shack serve some of the best food this city has to offer. Naturally, since you’re the only restaurateur who owns two 9.0 ratings on our site, we put your work on a pedestal. We expect nothing but the best. Unfortunately, Maialino is a bust. Let us explain.

While the food isn’t terrible, it just didn’t strike us as inspiring, and the service was a train wreck. On three different occasions, drinks were ordered and simply not picked up from the bar until we reminded the waiter. After the bread (without bread plates), no one cleared the crumbs off the table … amateur hour. After each course, they took away your silverware but didn’t re-set the table until the next course was already down. Tough to eat food you’re supposed to share without plates or utensils. It was one thing after the next, and while it seemed like there were a ton of people working, there was zero cohesion. The cherry on the sundae was a nice long hair in the Brussels sprouts. Yum. Hey, at least we knew it came from someone’s head, right? To their credit, they did keep apologizing for the mishaps and comped dessert. Lastly, this whole traditional Roman trattoria thing is a joke. I mean, we’re in the Gramercy Park Hotel, and it just feels a little too contrived. Glued on, uneven wood beams play no part in holding up the structure of the hotel, and the dark maroon paneling that lines the walls is ugly and looks like cheap plastic. And what, no Gladiators? Maybe Russell Crowe is getting wasted next door at Rose Bar.

Let’s make one thing clear. Maialino is not an awful restaurant, but it’s not of the caliber we’ve come to expect from Danny Meyer. If this were anyone else, it might be a different story. Fair or unfair, that’s just the way it is. Just like Mick and Keith experienced, it’s tough to write “Satisfaction” every time out.

Food Rundown:

Cacciatorini/Soppressata Piccante
These two salami options off the Salumi portion of the menu were fine, but nothing to get excited about. The small slices of Cacciartorini were dry and almost a little too sweet and I could have used a little more spice to the Soppressata.

Stracciatella alla Romana
If you sit down and think about it, the whole concept here is kind of gross. Broth of a chicken with what may essentially be its unborn fetus (hate that word) mixed up inside. The flavor did nothing to make this more appetizing. Damn, wish I had thought about all this before we ordered it.

Raviolo al Uovo
Had they demonstrated a little restraint with the salting of this dish, it could have been amazing. Ravioli of egg yolk, ricotta and potato was a really nice combination, too bad you needed three cups of water to wash it down.

Spaghetti alla Carbonara
I was really amped for this dish, a combination of black pepper, guanciale (an Italian bacon made with pork jowl) and egg as I’d read a couple raves on it. It was definitely tasty, something I’d absolutely order again, but it wasn’t the liquid crack I’d heard detailed in other reviews.

Coda alla Vaccinara
This entree of oxtails in a tasty stew of carrots and celery would have been a lot better had the fat been properly skimmed off the meat. Half this dish was inedible. It was a shame too, because the flavors were there.

Abbacchio alla Cacciatora
Once again, the cut of meat in this dish of braised lamb with onions and frascati (a Romanian wine) was suspect. The parts of lamb that were nice and tender were great; sadly, those pieces comprised about 25% of the action.

Bistecca di Bue
Pretty standard steak, this piece of sirloin was nowhere near up to snuff with what I’d expect at a Danny Meyer establishment.

*Since our party consisted of a couple non-pork eaters, we unfortunately didn’t try the big ticket here, the Maialino Forno for two. Rumor has it this “little pig” is ridiculous and the main reason to come. I’ll be back for you Wilbur.

Unfortunately, a woman soon arrived and the man instead professed his undying love for her. Nonetheless, I was inspired, and had learned something important. I now realized that I could live a fulfilled and happy life devoted to a single hamburger – The Shack Burger.

There are two lessons to be learned from this story. First, Shake Shack is the burger by which all other New York City burgers are to be measured. This is hamburger perfection, and the epic lines are the only thing preventing weekly Infatuation visits. Second, there is a huge badass somewhere out there that proposed to his girlfriend over a burger and fries. Well done sir.

Food Rundown:

Shack Burger
About as good as a hamburger gets. A Pat LaFrieda sirloin and brisket patty with crispy edges on a soft bun. The Shack Sauce is buttery heaven. The only downside here is that the single Shack Burger can leave you wanting more, while the double can put a hurtin’ on you. A single and a half would be about perfect.

Fries
Decent crinkle fries to accompany your burger. If you are really going for it, the cheese fries are pretty damn tasty.

Shack-cago Dog
While the burger is fantastic, the dogs at Shake Shack deserve some recognition of their own. This is a true Chicago style dog, steamed poppy seed bun and all.

New York Dog
A Vienna beef dog topped with some high end kraut on a potato roll. Not exactly a dirty water dog, but it’s tasty.